When Behaviour Is Really Communication

What one child taught us about looking beyond the behaviour

Sometimes, what looks like challenging behaviour isn't really about the behaviour at all. Sometimes, it's a child trying to tell us something they don't yet know how to put into words.

We had a child at J4K who regularly asked to go to the toilet during class. At first, there didn't seem to be anything particularly unusual about it — children need the toilet! But then we started noticing something else. Every so often, someone would come and tell us that the taps had been left running in the toilets. Sometimes we spotted it quickly. On other occasions, we didn't discover it until we were clearing up at the end of the session. It kept happening. And eventually, we realised there was a pattern.

Looking beyond what was happening

Rather than immediately treating it as deliberate naughty behaviour, we wanted to understand why it was happening. We realised that the times this child was disappearing to the toilet often seemed to coincide with moments when things felt a little different in class. Perhaps we were introducing something new. Perhaps the usual structure of the session had changed. Or perhaps there was simply a lot going on.

So I found a quiet opportunity to speak to him privately. It wasn't an accusation or a telling-off. Instead, I approached the conversation with curiosity. I explained what we'd noticed and gave him the opportunity to tell me what had been happening. And he did. He admitted that he had been leaving the taps running. But the conversation that followed was far more important than the taps.

“Sometimes it feels too much”

As we talked, it became clear that sometimes he was becoming overwhelmed during class. Going to the toilet gave him a reason to leave the room. It was particularly difficult when something was new or when our usual routine changed. He didn't necessarily have the words in the moment to say:

“I'm finding this a bit much.”

So his behaviour was communicating it for him. Suddenly, what we'd been seeing made much more sense. That didn't mean leaving taps running was okay — particularly when it could have resulted in a flooded bathroom! But we could separate the feeling from the behaviour. It was absolutely okay to feel overwhelmed. We just needed to find a safer way for him to tell us.

So we made a plan together

Rather than simply telling him what not to do, we worked out what he could do instead. Together, we chose a particular space in the room. From then on, if class started to feel overwhelming, he could tell us that he needed a break and sit in that space for a little while. He didn't need to invent a reason to leave. He didn't need to pretend he needed the toilet. And he didn't need to keep participating when everything was beginning to feel like too much. He had another option. And importantly, he'd helped create the plan himself.

Since then? No more taps left running. No more bathroom incidents. The behaviour stopped because we'd addressed what was sitting underneath it.

Children don't always have the words

This experience was such a good reminder of something we try to keep at the heart of J4K:

Behaviour is often communication.

Children won't always walk up to an adult and say:

“The change in routine has made me anxious and I need some time to regulate before I can rejoin the activity.”

Frankly, plenty of adults would struggle to articulate that in the moment! A child might instead become silly. They might withdraw. They might refuse to join in. They might repeatedly ask to go to the toilet. They might become frustrated, disruptive or unusually quiet. Of course, boundaries still matter. Keeping everybody safe and looking after our venues and equipment matters too.

Understanding the reason behind a behaviour doesn't mean ignoring the behaviour. It means asking another question alongside it:

“What might this child be trying to tell us?”

Confidence doesn't always look like performing

At J4K, we talk a lot about building children's confidence through singing, dancing and drama.

But confidence isn't always the child standing centre stage singing a solo. Sometimes it's a child learning:

“I can tell an adult when I'm struggling.”

“I'm allowed to take a moment.”

“Feeling overwhelmed doesn't mean I've failed.”

“I can step out and come back when I'm ready.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“The adults here will listen to me.”

That's a pretty important kind of confidence too.

Every child can shine — but not always in the same way

We have routines and expectations at J4K because children often thrive when they know what's happening next. But children aren't all going to respond to an activity, a change or a busy environment in exactly the same way. Sometimes the answer isn't lowering expectations or removing every challenge. It's making a small adjustment that gives a child what they need to manage that challenge successfully. For this child, it was simply knowing that there was a safe place in the room where he could take a moment when everything felt too much. Such a tiny change. But it made an enormous difference.

Just 4 Kids Performing Arts provides fun, confidence-building singing, dancing and drama classes for children aged 4–12 in Truro, Falmouth and Grampound. We believe children should have somewhere they can have fun, be creative, make friends and grow in confidence — without the pressure to be perfect. No auditions • No experience needed • First class FREE